How Adult ADHD Affects Relationships
Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is often spoken about relating to children and their performance in and out of the classroom. However, the effects of ADHD on relationships, for adults, is far less talked about. I am married to an ADHDer, (trust me, it’s not for the weak) and as the parent of another I do often think about how this will affect her when she’s older, as I can see her ADHD+ has big impact on her relationships with others now.
I feel that this is a huge topic as relationship expectation changes as we age, I have concentrated on adult ADHD here and will another time focus on ADHD and relationship changes through the ages.
The ADHD Experience
The neurodevelopmental condition characterised by symptoms such as inattention, impulsivity/ hyperactivity, emotional dysregulation, and executive dysfunction. In addition to other traits, these can have major impact on the building blocks of any relationship and manifest in ways that confuse or frustrate partners, especially when ADHD is undiagnosed or poorly managed. People with ADHD often struggle with organization, time management, memory, and task follow-through. These challenges aren’t rooted in laziness, they’re neurobiological.
Common Relationship Struggles When ADHD Is Involved
Inattention– People with ADHD often get distracted easily, which can appear as not listening, zoning out of the conversation or not caring. A partner might feel as though they are not being listened to or that their opinions don’t matter. The inattention to detail can also have impact on relationships, especilly if one puts in a lot of effort, they can often be left feeling unseen.
Forgetfulness – Missed dates, forgotten anniversaries, birthday presents bought on the day of or failing to follow through on household responsibilities can easily create resentment. Starting a job, going to make a brew and never returning?! (leaving all the cleaning up for the non- ADHDer).
Impulsivity – Can lead to saying things or acting without thinking. Making sudden decisions that have impact on both people can leave others feeling on edge or as though they’re not in a stable relationship. This can have major financial impacts, if the ADHD partner impulsivley buys things ect.
Emotional Regulation – ADHDers struggle to regulate their emotions, so what could be irritating for one, can cause a big reaction for someone with ADHD. People with ADHD may experience intense emotional reactions, mood swings, or frustration over minor setbacks, which can strain interactions and communications with friends and partners. Partners can often feel as though they are walking on eggshells.
Hyperfocus – Many people with ADHD also experience hyperfocus (becoming intensely engrossed in a topic). At points in a relationship, (often in the early days) this can feel good, as the ADHD partner showers the other with attention. But when hyperfocus shifts to work, video games, friends or other interests, the non- ADHD partner might feel neglected or invisible.
Communication – At times in a relationship, decisions need to be made and difficult conversations need to be had. ADHD can affect both how a person expresses themselves and how they interpret others. Long (and boring) conversations can be difficult to follow, leading them to zone out and the non- ADHD partner feeling frustrated. People with ADHD may often interrupt conversations, as they just want to have their say, or struggle to stay present in discussions.
Seeking Stimulation– Often seen in ADHD, yet this can lead to a turbulent relationship. While it may be playing that video game til 3am instead of watching a movie together, going out with friends instead of going for a walk or something else. This can have impacts on both partners getting what they need from the relationship.
Romantic / domestic relationships (it doesn’t feel very romantic)
In romantic or domestic relationships, ADHD can create an imbalance in responsibility. The non-ADHD partner may find themselves picking up the slack and taking on most, if not all, the responsibility of the home (paying bills, cleaning, washing, shopping ect) while the ADHD partner struggles with follow-through with assigned tasks, or inattention to things that need to be done. The non-ADHD partner may also find that they have to take on the reponsibility of finances, planning, maintaining social events, ect. Over time, this can feel more like a parent-child relationship than a romantic one.
Strengths ADHD Brings to Relationships
It’s important to say, ADHD doesn’t just bring challenges, it can also enhance relationships in the most meaningful ways.
Spontaneity and creativity: People with ADHD often bring high energy, humor, and out-of-the-box thinking into their relationships. This can lead to creating the most exciting, out of the ordinary memories together.
Authenticity: Many people with ADHD are loyal, open-hearted and trustworthy
Resilience: Living with ADHD is not easy and often these people have had to learn to adapt in certain situations. This can be helpful when in crisis, the ADHD partner will take it in their stride.
Practical Tips For ADHD Relationships.
Learn about ADHD– When both partners understand ADHD to the full, this can lead to more understanding.
Clear expectations– People with ADHD like clear guidance, so expecting them ‘clean’ when you haven’t told them what isn’t going to work.
Conflict– Try to express your needs during any conflict rather than saying ‘you don’t do this’ try, I need your help with this or
Collaboration – If one person consistently takes on the role of ‘parent’, resentment can build on both sides. An ADHD-informed couples therapist can help re-establish equality and improve communication.
Self-Care – In any relationship, self-care is important, ADHD can be taxing on those with it and those loving someone who is ADHD. Both partners should always take time for themselves and do things they enjoy or find relaxing.
Compassion
Whether you’re living with or loving someone with ADHD, most important is patience, honesty and clear communication. An understanding of how ADHD affects you and the other person is helpful. No relationship is perfect, but we progress by learning and working around each other, not taking each other for granted and taking time for ourselves.
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